The question is "Why?"

Hello everyone! I realize that the longer I am here in Australia, the less and less I write because of the millions of things I am doing constantly while being here. I have a super busy schedule so i apologize if anyone gets annoyed with how long I wait in between posts to update. But in all honesty, I update more than most anyone else in my DTS :) SUCCESS! The last few weeks have been very interesting for me. I would like to say that I have been through a whole lot but in all honesty the only thing that has been on my heart and mind for the last few weeks is the question "why on earth am I here?" I know my reasoning for wanting to come here in the beginning but ever since being here I have come to realize that God actually had different plans for me but I just didn't know what those plans were yet. So while I am learning a TON of new things and God is giving many revelations about my life and my past and my future, I still have been so confused as to why God has me doing this DTS in Brisbane Australia. I keep asking things like "why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I have times when Your voice is clear, God? Why do I go through silent periods like now? Why is my family going through stuff when I can't be there? Why am I sad? Why do I feel like I am not growing? Why is communication so hard? Why do You have me across the world? Why did I come with no money? How do i get the money I need? Will You get me to Malaysia? Why Australia now? Why, why, why, why, why...?" And it drives me CRAZY! And in these moments and in my doubts I have realized that I tend to hide them deep inside me so that no one knows i am struggling or so no one worries about me. I hide it so I can focus on making sure everyone else around me is okay...and while I know helping others is not a bad thing, holding everything that is hurting me inside IS a bad thing... I have not been trusting God 100% with my circumstances and I know that and I confess and repent of that. But that doesn't make it any easier. I don't like going through struggles because I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong for myself so I can be strong with others...but I am learning that being strong and bottling everything up inside are not the same thing and that is a hard process to work through. And because I allow myself to hold onto everything I then wind up breaking down completely on nights like tonight when out of no where God decides to answer my ultimate overall question of "why am I here?" Before I tell you what my revelation has been I would like to say sorry to everyone who reads my blogs. I definitely try to be as honest as I can with everyone on my blog but I also definitely try to not share all my struggles and while I don't think it is necessary to always give details of my struggles, I would like you to know that I won't try to hide that I have struggles anymore and I am going to try and NOT bottle things up inside. SO NOW! My revelation? Why am I here? Tonight God told me through another person that this DTS is not so I can become a better person or a stronger Christian. It is not so I can gain a lot of Christian knowledge. I am here on DTS because God wants to show me His heart and He wants to literally show me His love He has for me. I am His daughter and even when I feel like I don't need to be helped because I am the strong one and people around me need love, comfort, and protection more, God still sees me. He sees my real heart, me real fears, my tears, my pains, my hurts, my triumphs, my laughs, my joys, and my victories and He LOVES me! I AM a warrior for God and I want to be an even stronger warrior for God, but first and foremost, I am God's child. His beloved princess and I am here in Australia away from everyone I love and hold most dear so that there is NOTHING standing in between me and God's love and His heart for me. I hope you don't mind my openness. I felt lead to share this with my readers. Please keep me in your prayers and if you have encouragements, I would be honored to read them. I love you all so much and really appreciate everyone's love and support. Thank you for reading! Many blessings, Christianna.